Some of us find our soulmate, our life-long partner early on whether it may be a high school sweetheart, college love, or in the middle of a thriving career. We have some babies and grow into eternity together. Life may not be perfect, but we make it work, hopefully keeping the flame burning and love renewed. Others jump into relationships with eye slammed shut, just hoping beyond hope that someone will love us enough to make it work. These relationships usually come to a close after the babies arrive and end in a fiery blaze with custody battles and lengthy court dates and mounds of debt. All because two people needed to jump in without really taking the time to evaluate. Many times, once you have been burned by the love flame, you seek so earnestly for it again, that the scenario repeats itself. Possibly more than you would care to admit to.
This all leads me to wonder… How many times do you get to have love? Do you still have a chance at true love? Can you still find your soulmate? How old is too old? If you swing and miss, then strike out, do you get to go up to bat again? Maybe. Or maybe not.
Personally, I have been married twice, neither of which have been my true love (obviously) and both I know up front that is was destined to fail, but jumped in anyway. Do I even deserve to be happy? Or am I fated to replay my first mistakes over and over again. And I say mistake ever so carefully. My first marriage brought the two most amazing individuals into my life. Without two two, life would truthfully not be worth living. The love one has for their children is so indescribable and painful and wonderful! I thank God everyday that I get to be the mom of them both (even would they drive my batshit crazy)!
So, when I reacquaint with a high-school friend with SO much in common, I took things a bit slower. For a minute. Became friends first, talked a lot, seemingly got to know each other. It all appeared to fall into place, each thing progressing at the right time. Then, piece by piece, started to fall apart. Now, with so much time, tears, and heart dedicated to the relationship, I stand here again wondering, did I miss my chance, the proverbial door?
Do I love this person or the idea of him? Does he love me? What concessions am I willing to make for the sake of love? Will his love of self allow room for me? Will our similarities bring us through a rough time or will our future wants divide us even further?
So many questions shouted toward the heavens without hearing an answer. So much time spent talking to the universe and waiting with little patience to see if the stars align. I am constantly reminding myself that ‘This to shall pass’ and ‘All in good time’ without much feeling of peace.
Sorry not sorry to be so dramatic and overly personal, but hey, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Besides, at this juncture of my life I feel it is important to consider my feeling in the mix for a change. Here’s to hoping and here’s to true love.
And the saga continues….